Caring for your mental health goes beyond yourself as an individual—it branches out into larger bodies of systems and networks, such as your family and home life. You, your partner, pets, and immediate family members are part of a system, living in a body you call home. Therefore, your mental health is intertwined with the mental health of everyone there.


Part of tending to a family and home, as you likely know, is caring for hygiene. But what does it look like to craft family wellness routines and practices that truly support mental health?


1. Frequent check ins


The same way you might schedule weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly cleaning in your home, these practices can be applied to mental health. When water or excess moisture is left unattended, it begins to turn slippery and slimy long before it changes color. Mental health can be similar—unless we set aside some time to check in with each other, we may not see the beginning stages of mold or algae, which will spread. Ideally, of course, early awareness of mental health struggles can be life saving.


Set aside some time every week, month, quarter, and year to do a mental health “cleaning.” This doesn’t mean scrubbing everyone free of challenges, nor washing them down the drain for good. It means spending time opening up old tupperware containers in the back of the fridge, and creating a safe, new container for leftovers to be processed and heard by everyone. This will look different, of course, for each checkpoint. Weekly check-ins will likely be quicker, and perhaps paired with meal times or a car ride to a family activity on the weekend. For annual check-ins, maybe you break out the craft supplies to create vision boards of what sort of support everyone needs or can offer one another (digitally, you can also do this on private Pinterest boards).


Further, to check-in on mental health (especially weekly), you don’t need to ask about it directly every time. For example, you may ask if everyone’s sleeping or eating enough, how busy school feels, or how an important work/social event unfolded. More directly, you could ask about fatigue, excitement, or anxiety. These types of check-ins are different from moments when you might be concerned about something, in which case, asking directly about mental health, in private, can be helpful.



2. Even a loving family & safe home can’t meet every need


Importantly, during all check-ins, everyone should be open and understanding to the fact that a family—even with caring parents, guardians, and siblings amid a safe, supportive home—can’t ever meet every need. Nor should they try to. This is also true of marriages and partnerships. We’re often led to believe that an ideal partner or family should fulfill every need, which isn’t true or healthy. We hear “my partner is my everything” or “Family is everything.” As parents or guardians, you can model an understanding of this dynamic in your relationship with one another, and therefore with your children. Be open and honest about the support and community you participate in outside of one another and the home. With that said, one thing you can always be is a connector to different types of support outside one another and your home. For example, driving your child to a therapy session or an afternoon with a best friend to process a break up.


In a similar vein, it’s vital to note that we don’t choose family the same way we choose friends. This can make it tricky to maintain supportive relationships if you don’t have as much naturally in common. Spending some time finding common ground and shared interests can be helpful for grounding and rootedness in the home—the bedrock of mental health.



3. Shared spaces are a group project


If common interests are more difficult to find, and even if they aren’t, ensure that everyone feels a sense of contribution to the home. For example, include a little bit of everyone’s aesthetic and artistic preferences and influences in shared spaces like kitchens and living rooms. Comfort and design are a group project—colors, lighting, displayed memories, and blankets can make a space feel safe, not just for mental health care and conversation. This may be especially true of older children and teenagers seeking a bit more independence and individuality (particularly if they share a room with a sibling).


On the topic of shared spaces, there are a few logistics to check in on. Set some rules and boundaries that respect everyone’s schedule, such as around noise and light pollution, air temperature and quality, and which siblings share rooms (their wake-up and lights-out times should be similar!). Tidiness and cleanliness can also go a long way to alleviate catalysts for depression, anxiety, and overstimulation. This article by Psychology Today and this article by Mental Health America offer more resources and tools to create clean and mentally healthy shared spaces.



4. Navigate conflict thoughtfully


There’s an old saying, posed as a question, which asks: “When you’re on fire, who are you most likely to burn?” The response is typically: “The people closest to you.” In most cases, that tends to be our family and dearest friends. There’s nothing inherently wrong about this—conflict is a fact of life, and it’s necessary for growth. But it can be navigated thoughtfully and intentionally. Here are a three helpful tips:


  • Always validate everyone’s feelings and emotions, which aren’t the same as behaviors and actions. Compassion, empathy, and accountability always coexist. For example, if two siblings get into an argument about something they feel passionately about, their anger and frustration are valid emotions and feelings. If they hurl hurtful insults at one another as a result, then you can validate their anger while being critical of the resulting behavior. These don’t cancel out.

  • Building on the above point, your language matters deeply. Wording such as “What you did was frustrating to the family” is very different from “You are frustrating to the family.” It’s the action, not the person, that you want to discuss and shift. It may seem like a small thing, but simple language changes create a culture of care that values everyone’s experience, rooted in believing in one another as good, well-intended humans who sometimes make bad decisions and mistakes. This framing will also encourage everyone to own moments when their intentions weren’t good, and create an opening to discuss why.

  • In the wake of conflict, consequences can be a healthy part of learning for children, teens, and adults alike. Establish consequences that aren’t punitive—try rooting them in community care and giving, instead. For example, perhaps screen time on TikTok isn’t taken away, but replaced with a volunteering activity at the library, church, hospital, seniors facility, community center, or local food forest.


5. Talk about the world


It’s no secret that we’re living in unprecedented times, and that they’re affecting everyone. Politics, the news, community organizing, socioeconomic status, race, class, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, food security, citizenship status, education, and so much more are the determinants of mental health. And talking about them, openly with the people closest to us, can be a protective factor in a safe home.


Even if views or understandings differ in your family, make space to acknowledge the impact of the news and policy decisions happening, in conjunction with specific details. Allow your children, teens, or adult kids to change your mind if they have experience or information to share. Offer what you know, too. Be respectful, and honor the vulnerability and courage needed to not only speak about how we envision change but to imagine it in the first place—for ourselves and others. An open door for being truthful and honest in the wake of heartbreak, rage, and confusion might be the key to maintaining mental health in your home. It’s true that at the root of many issues, most of us want or hope for the same thing. Lean into that. Meet each other where you are. As parents or guardians, you’re setting the example and the model. Even if you disagree with your children’s viewpoints, have you heard them, truly? Have they heard you? Have you made it clear that every conversation is always rooted in love—a life long commitment to learning to love one another better? Remember that love isn’t synonymous with friendliness or even gentleness, but it’s always kind and firm.


In summary, frequent check-ins, knowing what support your family can and can’t provide, treating shared spaces like a group project, navigating conflict through a lens of love, and talking about news and politics thoughtfully will be the bricks of a mentally healthy home that can withstand all the world threatens to throw at it. It will be messy. There will be missing bricks. And we can still cause harm when acting from a place of love, which is hard to hear and accept as a parent or guardian. But that’s part of being human. You’re not perfect. But you can always do and give your best, and if you do, your intention of love is always received.