Conversations about mental health with your child/teen may feel worrisome, even uncomfortable. As mental health discussions have expanded—encouraging vulnerability, communication, and guides to parenting mental wellness—a key piece of the puzzle is often forgotten: It’s possible, and perhaps likely, that you didn’t grow up in a culture that valued mental health openness the same way. And although you might feel equipped with parallel life experience when you were a child/teen, maybe you feel you don’t have the wisdom or skills for discussing it. That’s why we’re here: to guide you through beginning a conversation alongside pre-existing tools and articles online:



1. Begin by asking your child/teen if you can talk to them about your own mental health (and prepare a story).

One of the most beautiful, yet terrifying aspects of being a parent/guardian is the fact that your child/teen might look to you for guidance. They’ve also, at one time or another, looked to you for stories.


Maybe there’s a mental health related story that you remember from when you were a child/teen. It could be a time when you asked for help, or didn’t and now believe you should have. It may be a time you did something you weren’t proud of because you were struggling. Perhaps it’s a time you supported someone else’s mental health.


Importantly, when initiating mental health dialogue with your child/teen, the story shouldn’t be one that could feel overwhelming to carry—be mindful of the word choices and details you include. If your child/teen is struggling with their mental health, their capacity to listen and/or hold another’s story may be lower. Always ask first if you can share. It can be as simple as: “Can I tell you a story?” while you’re driving somewhere.


Whatever story you choose, think about how you might like to share it. Write it down or tell it to your phone as a voice note first. Practice with a friend or partner. Consider when might be a good time to share that’s low stress and distraction free. Be mindful of framing this exchange as a capital-T-Talk that could feel daunting, oppressive, punitive, or make your child/teen feel cornered.


Beginning with your own story is a portal for theirs to take shape. But just because you open a door, and try to make it safe, doesn’t mean they’ll walk through it.


2. It isn’t up to you to decide if the space you offer to your child/teen is safe. And if they feel it’s not, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

We’re often encouraged to create safe spaces/containers—and we should. But even when we do our absolute best, we may not be successful for every person we offer such a space/container to.


After you share your story, and gently invite your child/teen to share theirs, they may not want to. And the reality is, you might not know why. It could be that they don’t feel safe. But it could also be embarrassment, fear, confusion, not feeling ready, or not feeling able to generate words on the spot (or that words will best capture what they’re feeling). Storytelling, therapy, and mental health conversations tend to privilege words, verbal skills, and spoken/written language. Not all experiences can be captured verbally, nor do all humans have a proclivity for translating—always imperfectly—their experiences into sentences. This is something you can ask about. For example, “Would it be easier to show me? Would you like to draw or paint it?” You can lean into creative hobbies/outlets that you know your child/teen find supportive when you ask this question.


Offering time or 1:1 distance can also ease fear and overstimulation. For example, if a 1:1 conversation feels scary or amplifies anxiety, offer to exchange texts, voice notes, or handwritten letters. Even talking on the phone, instead, can remove an extra layer of social-emotional awareness that we may not realize we’re spending a lot of anxious energy thinking about.


Another avenue to try could be carrying more of the vulnerability weight. Maybe ask if your story made them feel or think about anything? They may still not want to share. And that’s okay—never force them. There’s one more gentle pivot you could try.


3. Show investment in the layers of their life beyond school and sports.

Sometimes, student-athletes are afraid that their only value is performance driven; the easy ‘check-in’ questions to ask are related to school and their sport, namely progress or news in each. But a student-athlete’s life—despite this title—is much more layered. Acknowledging that you see, appreciate, and pay attention to these other layers could be a path to conversation.


For example, if you’re concerned about your child/teen’s mental health, mentioning what you’ve noticed can be framed as changing the topic to something unrelated to school or sports. Perhaps you’ve noticed that your child/teen doesn’t invite their closest friends over to play The Last of Us anymore. You could say something like, “You know who I saw at the store the other day? Avery! I didn’t get a chance to talk to them. What are they up to?” An important note here, in this example, is that the hypothetical ‘Avery’ should be someone in your child/teen’s life who isn’t an athlete, and better if they’re not a classmate. But your question doesn’t need to be framed around a person—a student-athlete’s social circles are often narrow and adjacent to their school and sport. Maybe you mention seeing a video game similar to The Last of Us on sale at the store instead.


If your child/teen begins to share in this scenario, then the next step is to listen.


4. Listen to listen—not respond.

When we feel we have advice or wisdom to share, especially with someone we deeply care about, we may have a tendency to offer it immediately—out of love. This is particularly true when we notice unhealthy behaviour patterns, and is further amplified between parent/guardian and child/teen. But even if advice or wisdom is offered out of care, it’s not always received that way. It’s tough to acknowledge that although intent is important, it isn’t an excuse for harm or the impact of delivery. As your child/teen shares with you, first listen to listen. Hear them. Try not to ‘answer’ as if their sharing were a question posed to you. Make a mental note of what you hear and feel, whether it’s worrisome or angering. Listening to listen removes shame and blame from the conversation. It also primes what you might say when they’ve finished sharing. And how you might respond instead of answer.


5. The Upstream Parable.

Immediately treading into next steps or advice can feel controlling, like you’re trying to fix a situation (as much as maybe you’d like to, again out of love). Whatever the situation, your child/teen has to drive and lead the approach. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be in the passenger seat. Saying what you feel after they share may help them find what they feel, too. Identifying these feelings can help you both talk about any next steps.


When we’re struggling with our mental health, we often do things we’re not proud of, such as skipping school/workouts and avoiding friends. We don’t mean to—it’s never on purpose. This is where we can lean on the wisdom of the Upstream Parable.


In brief, the tale shares that one day, some villagers come across a child drowning in a river. As they help the child, they notice many more floating down the river, struggling to stay afloat. Most of the villagers jump into the water to rescue them. But one doesn’t. When everyone in the water asks why, the villager on the bank replies, “I’m going to walk upstream to see why they’re falling in the river in the first place.”


This story emphasizes that there are many roles in the upkeep of care in a system. As a parent, helping your child/teen out of the water when they’re drowning is vital. But what’s equally important is understanding why they fell in. If they’re skipping school, their grades have changed unexpectedly, or they seem disinterested in their sport, it’s likely not because they’re lazy or obstinate. They’re struggling with something, and stating that you see this is supportive to hear, rather than punishment, reprimands, or even focusing on the outcome (the fact that they’re drowning).


For example, imagine a student who routinely achieves a 75% average. Suddenly, their family receives a phone call that their child/teen has been absent from school and their average is now 54%. What if the reason is that they’re afraid, depressed, and anxious is due to the fact that there are police officers in their school and their parents are undocumented? The child/teen’s impulse, in this case, is wise and thoughtful. Can their feelings and actions be addressed differently? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But understanding and acknowledging why they fell in the river—something completely outside of their control—is crucial to building trust in the relationship.


6. The root of trust: allowing your child/teen freedom to speak with someone other than you.

We’ve reached an age-old question: “What do I do if I’ve done everything I can think of but they still won’t communicate with me?” It’s hard to hold that your child/teen may not see you as their go-to emotional support person. It could be because of something you can improve upon, but similar to the way we make friends for different purposes and settings, you can’t be everything for your child/teen. Nor should you be! For example, maybe they see you as someone to turn to for a laugh. But it’s a friend or another family member they feel safest talking to about their pain. Showing you care (and that you love them) is investing yourself in connecting them with whoever that person is, or, if they don’t have that person in their life, finding them in a mental health care provider for example, especially if the situation feels more urgent. You can say something like, “I want to help you find someone you feel comfortable and safe talking with. If that’s not me, that’s 100% okay.” Always consider different types of mental health support, alongside talk therapy, to best meet your child/teen’s needs. Whichever form of care you approach, it should be anti-carceral, collaborative, culturally competent, and justice-oriented.


Overall, talking to your child/teen about mental health, parenting mental wellness, and beginning a conversation all begin with storytelling, creating safety, listening to listen, and solidifying trust in ways you might not have thought of. Trust is always earned, even between parent/guardian and child/teen, and especially in vulnerability. Acknowledging this is the foundation of love that enables mental health between you and your child/teen.